Life Right Now

I have learned the meaning of living life day by day. This wasn't an easy lesson and I think that I would rather not have to learn this lesson. In a previous post i wrote about my husband's grandma and her failing battle with emphysema. Well, I am sad to report that the battle is not going well. After a five day visit to the hospital, we returned home with grandma literally. The family is now trading shifts and an agency has even been hired to help out with some of the nights as we have to be here for 24 hours a day. This would not be so hard if Grandma would even consider cooperating! The doctor said that she could have up to six months left if she chose to take her medications, go to bed at a decent hour, cut back on the cigarettes, wear her oxygen, and eat regularly. For some reason she is choosing not to do these things. I think that I would be okay with this if she accepted how sick she really is and was just ready to go and be with Jesus. But she insists that she is "just fine" and that she is in fact getting better every day. She consistently lies to us and her health care providers about us and her actions. I am worried that her doctors are going to begin to think that we are abusing her since everything the doctor disagrees with, somehow becomes our fault. I am really trying to treat her as I know that Jesus would, but I can't help but think that His heart would be breaking just as mine is. It is so hard to watch someone abuse themselves to the point of death. This is not going to be an easy death either. It will be slow and scary. The doctor told us to expect her to make all sorts of nasty noises as time goes on and her disease progresses. She has also gotten to be pretty mean. It is really hard to remain loving when someone is snapping your head off for something that she had asked for ten minutes before. Jesus is constantly reminding me that even though we are not saving her, we are caring for her in the same way He cares for us. He lets us make our decisions, right or wrong, good or bad, and then when we have nowhere else to turn to, He takes us back and loves us. I find myself being short with God about things that are not His fault and pushing him away, but then when I am too weak to get back on my feet, He helps be back up and loves me anyway. Please pray that this is the kind of love and care that I will show to Caroline. Because there is no one else that will really do this, the brunt of the burden falls to Linda (my mother-in-law) and I. It is not an easy burden to carry. It is a painful one. Please pray that God will grant us the same mercy that he shows us. Please pray that God will protect us from the feelings of depression and apathy. Please pray that we will be filled with the love and gentleness of our Savior. Please pray. I know that this post is sort of confusing as I rambled quite a bit, but the smoke drifting in from the other room seems to be clogging my brains:). Hey, if you can't laugh, you cry. I choose to laugh!